Young people are often reluctant to involve adults in their online lives. 

Many fear that parents and teachers will misunderstand or ‘overreact’ in response to what they mostly regard as normal, unproblematic behaviour and experiences. Others say they are frustrated by adults who ‘trivialise’ their experiences.

Over the past eight years, I have had extensive discussions with teenagers from a diverse range of social and economic backgrounds, ethnicities, sexual orientations and genders about their experiences of social media and messaging apps. 

A lot of those I speak to initially try to downplay any issues, making clear they like being online and can handle any problems that may come up. However, when I ask them to tell me more about these issues, it’s almost like the floodgates open. 

Some describe a relentless stream of abuse and hate that can ‘ruin’ the experience of being online. One 14-year-old girl said there is ‘so much sexism, racism, homophobia’ which she thinks is wrong, but at the same time just an inevitable part of being online. 

Meanwhile another teen disclosed: ‘Sometimes they’ve been racist to me … Racist comments [in] messages from other people.’

What’s clear is that most young people see the issues as social in nature – going beyond just being an online problem, but as part-and-parcel of their wider lives. As one 14-year-old girl puts it: ‘It’s not social media which is the issue … it’s society and how we are taught.’

Although social media platforms have age restrictions most lack robust mechanisms to enforce them – the user just has to enter a date of birth, which they can make up. In fact, the Children Commissioner’s 2020 survey found that over half of children aged 11 to 13 and over a third of those aged eight to ten reported using platforms despite not being old enough.

In this ‘post-digital era’ where the use of social media is taken for granted by children as young as 12 and in some cases ten or younger – hearing their perspectives is a critical part of understanding how best to monitor and regulate the online landscape. 

Here are just some of the thoughts from children and young people on what they think the most pressing issues are – and how they want to be supported as they navigate the risks that can arise:

Mixed messages

Some girls have been quite animated talking about the fun they have with each other sharing dances and lip syncs on TikTok ‘around the world’, with the aim of ‘trending’ and reaching as many viewers as possible.

Many are dismissive of any negative impacts, and breezily say that it’s just about enjoying themselves. They maintain that online spaces can include more diverse representations and ‘body positive’ content, while pushing back against fears over narrow concepts of beauty and overly curated lifestyles.

But they also describe seeing streams of abuse and ‘shaming’ as they scroll through posts and comments – some of which is directed toward them personally. Girls tell me about being ‘hated on’ including about their bodies and appearance:

The way I’m dressed: people will just tell me to go kill myself and slit my wrists but it’s just something you can’t escape. If someone dresses in a smaller dress or with cleavage showing, they are called a slut and told they’re asking for it. However you look, you’ll be made fun of for it. (15-year-old girl)

Even those who think such comments are funny or insignificant at the time can be worried about digital footprints and so-called “cancel culture”:

If you said something maybe a couple of years ago … people will bring that up now and then, like, cancel you for it. They will constantly hate on you [even if] your opinion on it has changed … I know now from when I was young my opinions on many things have definitely changed. (15-year-old girl).

Among the most commonly expressed fears for young people today is that teenage girls are being exposed to relentless images of the ‘perfect body’ and pro-diet culture messaging on social media – and that this is damaging their self-esteem and body image.

Sexual content

While most young people are more reluctant to talk about their experiences of sex online, this does also depend on whether they will be judged for doing anything ‘wrong’. Once reassured, many talk quite openly about being sent unwanted and unsolicited sexual content – perhaps because they think it’s not their fault and can’t be told off for it.

Many seem almost resigned to being sent unwanted and unsolicited sexual content. The notorious ‘dick pic’ – mainly sent to girls both by boys they know and, worryingly often, by older men they don’t know – is something that some girls have got used to. 

One 15-year old said: ‘On Snapchat where you add someone and before you start a conversation, they’ll just send explicit photos’ while another added: I feel like the girls have just gotten used to it [being sent dick pics], and it’s really disgusting to see. (14-year-old girl)

According to the ONS, 11% of children in England and Wales aged 13-15 report having received a sexual message (69% in the form of a photo or image) in the last 12 months. Girls aged 13-15 are significantly more likely to have received sexual messages than boys. 

Reporting rates are low. Young people tend to just block the sender if it’s an older stranger – easy enough because ‘it’s done with’. But then, as one 14-year-old girl says: ‘It plays in your head for a bit [because of] the amount of times it has happened.’

Many girls say they have to deal with being asked for nude images – risking being abused by a boy if they say no, and shamed and ostracised by peers if they say yes and then the images are ‘leaked’. 

However, ironically some girls talk about  learning from TikTok videos how to refuse nude requests in a light-hearted way, saying that fake boyfriend snaps are ‘lifesavers’ – they feel that while they do not expect boys to respect them, they will respect another boy. 

However,  while it’s often assumed that boys are happy to consume porn, a lot of those I’ve spoken to don’t like being sent this content and, like the girls, just block the senders. 

Kids reveal how adults make them feel about social media

‘Don’t say ‘just don’t go online’ because adults wouldn’t do that if something happened in the real world. If you got followed home, it’s not like [they would say]: “Hey, stop leaving the house.” Help the person understand that it wasn’t their fault and try to help them through it – be a shoulder to cry on, but don’t try and affect their social life personally.’

‘A lot of adults have strong opinions about sharing things with other people online. If they don’t approve of sharing pictures and stuff, they think that’s bad – but, like, it’s normal and a good way to have a good time.’

‘I think they’re not very familiar with how we use modern technology. Adults might have heard of, say, a bad incident that happened with one particular person. But I don’t think that means the app generally is unsafe.’

‘If you go and tell a teacher, sometimes they might not take it seriously because it’s, like: “Oh, it’s on the internet – it’s not affecting you in real life.” [So] they don’t think it’s a problem.’

‘School has taught us to understand the dangers [of talking to strangers online] but I think it comes with some kind of self-assessment when you’re actually talking to them. Otherwise, if you don’t add anyone and you don’t get to meet new people online, then you’re stuck with the people that you already know so you can’t expand your social circle.’

An impossible situation?

Young people both want to look at aspirational content but are ambivalent about how it makes them feel about themselves. Some say they feel they have to stay online despite the risks because at least there is the chance of connecting with like-minded others who may be able to provide support. 

In this sense, they seem to be navigating an impossible situation, and are both angry about the risks they face but also resigned to them.

They want to connect with new people online but are tired of encountering abusive and hateful content and being sent unwanted sexual content.

Big tech cannot solve these tensions and dilemmas of adolescent life alone. Tackling them requires what is sometimes referred to as a ‘post-digital’ approach that considers risk and harm along a continuum that spans both real and online life, rather than treating the latter as a delineated category that can be dealt with through big tech tools and regulation alone.

Young people have always bullied each other, compared themselves unfavourably with idealised cultural representations of ‘perfection’, and explored and expressed their developing sexualities in ways that have worried the adults around them. The point is to identify how the design of social media platforms has entrenched and potentially reshaped patterns of vulnerability.

Above all, the tensions in young people’s willingness to involve adults (they both want support they can trust but fear being judged and punished) need to be resolved. 

Conversations may need to be less concerned with eradicating a particular risk, and more with establishing a dialogue whereby young people feel able and willing to come for help when they need it. Otherwise, as this 12-year-old girl puts it:

‘I think almost everything I know about social media comes from social media. [Adults] just go back to the very basics that everyone already knows. It’s kind of wasting time when they could be telling us something we don’t know.’

By Dr Emily Setty, senior lecturer in criminology, University of Surrey

This article is co-published with The Conversation. You can read the full version of this article here.

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