Look the news has been unpleasant to read for a few years now, but at least it’s consistent.

Everyone loves an apocalyptic film and, as you will see as you read on, that is exactly the movie set we’ve all been dumped on.

Directed by Vladimir Putin, produced by something called a ‘gilt’, with the main characters played by all of us.

To top it off, and with no satirical metaphor to introduce it: More than 30 Weatherspoon pubs are closing. It’s rough.

Economic chaos

You will have spent the last week or so waking up to notifications about the pound slumping, high inflation, government bonds tanking and the Bank of England having to step in to stabilise the British economy.

Now, many of these terms mean very little to us mere ground-floor-office mortals, whose economic education consists solely of watching The Wolf of Wall Street.

However, thing has definitely been vaguely implied: it’s bad.

Luckily we at Metro.co.uk totally, completely, utterly and (cough) wholly understand all the financial details of this situation, so we’ve got you covered!

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng announced the new government’s mini-budget last week and it led the market into complete turmoil.

The budget was designed to bring fiscal and tax policy more in line with the new prime minister Liz Truss’ priorities and included £45 billion in tax cuts.

These cuts, which will greatly benefit the country’s wealthiest, are essentially going to be paid for with borrowed money – which will eventually be paid back by the British public.

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In a nutshell, investors don’t like the idea because they’re not convinced the Government is going to be able to cash this massive cheque it has just written.

That’s important because global financial institutions have a lot of money tied up in UK government bonds, known as ‘gilts’ and the Government needs to keep selling these to pay the bills.

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The problem with the big slump in the bond market is that pension funds favour them as an investment because they’re generally seen as a safe and stable way to make some money and top up the pot.

It’s hard to know for sure how bad things got behind the scenes but it seems that some big pension funds – the company’s which hold your money for your retirement – were close to falling into deep, deep trouble. 

So the Bank of England announced plans to launch a temporary programme to buy gilts, effectively stepping in to provide a backstop in the market for UK government debt and halt a sell-off.

It said the move would be time-limited but would take place ‘on whatever scale is necessary’, with the price tag reportedly set to hit £65bn.

In short, the Bank is spending a lot of money to buy the bonds nobody wanted anymore because investors are losing faith in the Government’s ability to pay by growing the economy.

The PM and the Chancellor sought to reassure markets they are serious about bringing down Britain’s debt, by meeting with the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) on Friday.

The OBR has confirmed it will deliver an initial forecast to the Chancellor on October 7.

TL;DR: Bet you’re glad the education system made sure you could work out Pythagoras’ theorem.

Russia’s Nord Stream pipelines

Wars are featured in every apocalyptic film, and 2022’s is no different.

Powerful underwater blasts were registered in in Swedish and Danish waters, in the Baltic Sea, near Russia’s Nord Stream 1 and 2 gas pipelines earlier this week.

While neither pipeline was in use at the time of the suspected blasts, but they were filled with gas that has been spewing out into the ocean since Monday’s ruptures.

European leaders said ‘deliberate actions’ caused the damage and Ukraine explicitly called it a ‘terrorist attack’ by Moscow.

Russia was quick to deny responsibility, with Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov saying: ‘It’s quite predictable and also predictably stupid to give voice to these kinds of narratives – predictably stupid and absurd.’

Vladimir Putin later blamed ‘Anglo Saxons’ for destroying the Nord Stream pipelines.

The leader made the claim while speaking ahead of the illegal annexation of four parts of Ukraine.

He gave a speech to thousands of Russian ambassadors in St George’s Hall in the Kremlin.

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Photos show the president signing treaties that would absorb the occupied regions of Ukraine into Russia in a lavish ceremony, breaking international law.

Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy has since said his country is submitting an ‘accelerated’ application to join Nato.

TL;DR: Yup, the world is currently chilling with up to roughly 7.5 million metric tons of carbon leaking into the sea. Nothing to see here.

Queen’s cause of death

Queen Elizabeth II’s official cause of death was revealed on Thursday – Her Majesty died of ‘old age’.

Her death certificate, released by National Records of Scotland, noted the time of the Queen’s death on Thursday September 8 as 3.10pm.

The document confirms that only the Princess Royal would have been by the Queen’s side in her last moments.

All of her other children and grandchildren were travelling to visit her at Balmoral in the Scottish Highlands.

Anne, who accompanied her mother’s coffin as it travelled from Balmoral to London, via Edinburgh, said: ‘I was fortunate to share the last 24 hours of my dearest mother’s life.’

The princess is named as the ‘informant’ on the document and would have notified the local registrar of her mother’s death.

TL;DR: The 96-year-old monarch died of old age, it has been revealed.

Hurricane Ian

Staying consistent with this week’s apocalyptic theme, we also have a natural disaster to tell you about.

One of the strongest hurricanes to ever hit Florida made landfall in the state on Wednesday.

It brought torrential rains and 150mph winds which destroyed and washed away entire homes in catastrophic floods.

The category four storm wreaked complete havoc before being downgraded to category one early on Thursday morning.

At least 17 deaths have been reported in connection with Ian but the total death toll remains uncertain amid scattered reports of casualties.

The storm killed two people when it tore into Cuba, bringing down the country’s electrical grid.

Further tragedy struck when a boat carrying Cuban migrants sank east of Key West on Wednesday, with up to 20 people missing.

The US coastguard was able to find three survivors while four others managed to swim to Stock Island, just east of Key West.

Pictures show terrifying scenes, with areas unrecognisable after being completely submerged in water.

Speaking during a meeting with the Federal Emergency Management Association, President Joe Biden said: ‘The numbers are still unclear, but we are hearing early reports of what may be substantial loss of life.’

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‘My message to the people of Florida: at times like this, America comes together. We’re going to pull together as one team, as one America.’

The storm started veering towards South Carolina and North Carolina – where both governors have declared states of emergency.

Mr Biden urged people to take warnings from local emergency workers and officials seriously.

‘Don’t go outside unless you have to’, he said. ‘The danger is real, to state the obvious.’

TL;DR: Might be time to start talking about climate change again?

Weatherspoon’s

Now, if you’ve got to this point, you’re probably wondering when would be considered too early to drink a pint. Well, never is the answer.

You have the right to free will, social conventions serve no real purpose and time is a construct.

So make sure your brunch is booze, go straight to the pub or open up one of the many bottles of wine you should have stored in an apocalypse bunker by now. Whatever makes you happy.

However, as journalists, we take our responsibility to impart important information very seriously and no more so than when it comes to alcohol.

So, before you go, we’d just like to tell you that you might not be able to get your drink at your local Weatherspoon.

The UK and Ireland pub chain, owned by Tim Martin, has more than 800 outlets – but is soon set to have a few less, as a ‘commercial decision’ to sell was made amid the current financial climate.

Many like JD Wetherspoon for the cheap pints – but the company has warned it could lose up to £30 million back in July 2022, as it attempts to keep up with wages and maintaining its sites.

The UK and Ireland pub chain, owned by Tim Martin, has more than 800 outlets – but is soon set to have a few less, as a ‘commercial decision’ to sell was made amid the current financial climate.

Many like JD Wetherspoon for the cheap pints – but the company has warned it could lose up to £30 million back in July 2022, as it attempts to keep up with wages and maintaining its sites.

The London boozers on the market including the Asparagus in Battersea, Hudson Bay in Forest Gate, Penderel’s Oak in Holborn and Angel in Islington – with southern sale prospects in areas Bournemouth, Hove, Southampton and Bexleyheath.

Up north, Barnsley pub Silkstone Inn is up for sale, as is Halifax’s Percy Shaw, Durham’s Water House, Resolution in Middlesbrough and the John Masefield in Merseyside.

You can check out the full list here.

TL;DR: Britain is going through it.

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