TODAY, thousands of mums and dads will climb into their Volvos and drive to London to pick up their Extinction Rebellion kids, who’ve spent the past two weeks at a fancy dress street party.

I was in the centre of the capital last night and God, it was annoying.

The police had a noisy helicopter hovering overhead. Streets were closed and everywhere you looked, there were people saying: “Oh look you’ve come as a broccoli. What do you think of my Grim Reaper suit?”

Like almost all sensible adults, I’ll be glad to see the back of them, but I fear our relief will be short lived. Because when the weather improves, we can be certain they’ll be back.

Only next time, I have devised a plan . . .

As we know, the police are so hamstrung by human rights red tape, they can’t simply pick up these halfwits by the ears and lob them in the river.

Each one must be carried, gently, by five trained officers to a comfortable van and then driven off for a nice cup of tea.

SITTING ABOUT HUMMING

Water canon? Tasers? A clip round the ear? Not a chance.

So, how’s this for an idea. As these fancy dress enthusiasts are largely middle-class kids, they really don’t want to throw a plant pot through a shop window. They don’t want to riot. They just want to sit about humming. So, let’s not waste a single minute of police time on them.

We therefore let plod get on with the problem of knife crime while we handle the eco protesters ourselves.

We saw that happen this week. Early-morning commuters got to the Tube station for the cramped journey to work to find that one of the eco loonies had climbed on to the roof of the train.

Did they call for the police? Did they entice him down with celery? No. They threw stuff at him, and when that didn’t work, they climbed up there themselves and threw him very roughly to the ground. Excellent.

VEGAN LUNATICS

Of course, sometimes, the Thun­berg disciples glue themselves to windows and railings so they can’t physically be moved but again, I have a plan.

Leave them there. Because after a few hours, they’re going to need a pee. And after that, a No2. And they won’t be able to take their trousers down.

So then we leave them where they are, with their pants full of their own steaming turds until they are begging to be freed and promising never to come back ever again.

Perhaps then they will grow up, go home and get back to school.

A great many people sympathise with their concerns. Even I do to a certain extent.

But instead of sitting in the road, singing Kumbaya with a bunch of vegan lunatics from Bishop’s Stortford, I try not to buy anything that comes in a plastic bag.

And I’m making efforts on my farm to cut down carbon emissions and bring back the bees and the beetles and the birds. Because, you know, that sort of thing will save the world.

Whereas putting on a tomato suit and standing in front of a taxi definitely will not.

Enough is enough

I campaigned to remain in the EU. I voted to remain in the EU. And a couple of years ago, I called noisily for a second referendum.

But enough is enough. It’s time to stop crying about what’s gone and plan for what’s to come.

That’s why I urge all MPs this morning to suck it up and back Boris.

Because we’ve had enough of this thing now.

It'll be worse than in 70-hate

IT’S been claimed that 1978 was the worst year in British history.

I was going to argue with this. But then I remembered that this was the year when I started work.

I turned up at the local newspaper offices, very excited, and was told to go home because I was on strike.

I then sat about for two months with no pay and watched the rubbish pile up outside because the dustbin men were also on strike, along with nurses, train drivers, lorry drivers, car workers and everyone at the sewage plant.

This was peak socialism, remember, and almost everyone in the country was outside, standing round a brazier in their donkey jackets.

Still, there was always the radio, where I could listen to Figaro by the Brotherhood Of Man, or the television, where I could watch the newly invented, but crap, Fantasy Island.

I wanted to top myself, but that wasn’t possible either, because the gravediggers were on strike as well.So yes, 1978 was pretty terrible.

But if we get that thick idiot Corbyn in No10, I’m fairly confident that next year will be worse. And we won’t even have the Bee Gees to cheer us up.

Two are out of border

A BRITISH couple called David and Eileen Connors were held for two weeks in an American detention centre for illegal immigrants after they were found driving on a remote track near the Canadian border.

When they were stopped by a patrol, they claimed that while they’d been on a fishing trip in Canada they’d swerved to miss a wild animal and had ended up in the US. Really?!?!!

I once lost control of a car at about 120mph and it spun round and round many times before finally coming to a halt. But I wasn’t in another country.

Needless to say, the American plod didn’t believe them and now they’ve been sent home and told never to come back.

Let’s hope they don’t have a similar incident here. Because if these guys have a spin on the M3, they could easily end up in Syria.

Vision excess

IT seems that Jeremy Corbyn’s new spectacles enable him to see into the future.

Because he dismissed Boris’s Brexit deal a full 26 minutes before it was published.

PCs need reboot

A COURT heard this week how a callous car thief ran over a policeman’s legs, causing what could have been life-changing injuries.

If you saw the footage of the incident, you’ll be happy to hear that the stupid idiot is embarking now on a 12-year stretch in one of Mrs Queen’s prisons. And even happier to hear that the policeman with the squashed legs is on the mend.

I though, had another thought.

This car thief. He was cornered by five officers when the Range Rover he’d nicked crashed. And then they tasered him. So that should have been the end of that.

But somehow, the thief pulled the taser barbs out of his own flesh, disentangled himself from the wires and, despite being tasered a second time, climbed into a police car, ran over one of the officers and fled the scene.

Five officers? One injured thief? And he still got away? I’m not sure it’s the force’s finest hour.

JLaw meats her Mr Right

I’VE always admired Jennifer Lawrence as an actress.

And it turns out that success hasn’t turned her into a babbling lunatic.

At JLaw’s wedding to Cooke Maroney tomorrow, guests will not be nibbling on the usual Hollywood fayre of organic fair-trade sustainable peace nuts.

Instead, they’re getting brussels sprouts to start and then a decent leg of beef.

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