So many Hollywood stories rely on the search for ‘the one’ – that single person we can grow old with.

But marriage is decreasing in popularity, divorce is becoming more common and having a lifelong relationship with one person is no longer the norm (if ever it was).

At the same time, we’re hearing about ethical non-monogamy and polyamory – literally meaning many loves.

The word itself was first used in the 1960s to mean multiple committed relationships.

It’s not just about casual relationships or sleeping with someone else behind your partner’s back. Polyamorous relationships are built on a principle of being open and honest with all your partners and building something that works for you.

It is an umbrella term for non-monogamous relationships:

• Someone with multiple partners who are not connected but are equal (sometimes called anarchamory)
• A group where all partners are committed to each other in a triad or sometimes more (triad/quad/delta/throuple/non-hierarchical poly)
• A pair defined as primary partners – the person they are closest to – and then other secondary or tertiary partners (hierarchical poly)
• Someone with a single emotional partner but they are sexually open with more than that one person (open relationship/ethical or consensual non-monogamy ([ENM/CNM])
• A wide variety of terms not listed here as a key part of polyamory is that there are few (if any) set ‘rules’ for how individual relationships work and it is down to individuals to discuss boundaries

And just because someone is polyamorous, it doesn’t necessarily mean they can have as many partners as they want.

For a society where monogamy is the most common type of relationship, having more than one partner may seem ‘wrong’ but Janet Hardy, author of The Ethical Slut, argues that having one sexual partner is not necessarily natural.

‘I don’t think humans are biologically inclined toward monogamy,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘No other primate is monogamous and monogamy is very rare in nature.

‘Many creatures who have long been thought to be monogamous, like swans, are in fact biologically inclined to be pair-bonded – but sexual monogamy is not usually part of of that bond.

‘This does not mean, of course, that monogamy is not a good choice for many humans – it obviously is, for a great many people. But I don’t think that humans raised in a culture which values all consensual choices equally would tend toward lifelong monogamy.’

And humans are relatively new to this monogamy lark:

‘Only 17% of human cultures are strictly monogamous,’ Bernard Chapais, of the University of Montreal, wrote in Evolutionary Anthropology.

‘The vast majority of human societies embrace a mix of marriage types, with some people practicing monogamy and others polygamy.’

Research on the popularity of polyamorous relationships is thin on the ground but a study in 2016 showed that one in five people in the US reported being involved in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) at some point in their lifetime.

Could we be moving away from monogamy towards a future where everyone is polyamorous?

Rachel, 34, has been in a polyamorous throuple for six months with Katie and John, both 35.

‘Our methods for courting and dating have changed drastically with the rise of Tinder, Grinder, Bumble etc,’ she says.

‘Sex and connection are more easily accessible.

‘There’s a perception that you can’t trust your partner, or you must keep on eye on them to prevent them cheating, emotionally or otherwise, because they are not fulfilled by monogamy and unable to express that.

‘I think polyamory is one solution that many people will discover as it becomes more openly represented and less taboo.’

The triad met on a swinging site when Rachel was with her ex-husband but when that relationship broke down, Katie and John reconnected with Rachel and asked her to join their relationship.

Rachel, John and Katie each came to polyamory in different ways. Katie explains that she was introduced to the idea in her early 20s, while she was exploring her bisexuality.

Her first husband didn’t agree with polyamory. He allowed her to explore her bisexuality with women but wasn’t comfortable with her having relationships with other men.

When her marriage was coming to an end, she met John, who was also coming out of a long term relationship.

John says: ‘Katie and I both quickly realised that neither one of us were interested in a conventional monogamous relationship again.

‘This was going to be a first for me.’

John, Katie and Rachel are very open about their love for each other. They have found that attitudes are starting to change in some way, particularly as polyamorous people are using social media to improve visability.

There is a social stigma around polyamory, that it is just adultery or sleeping around under a different name.

There is also the incorrect view that it is illegal, linked to bigamy laws only allowing legal marriage to one person.

‘While representation hasn’t improved much in media, I have discovered a whole community through Instagram that makes me hopeful, Rachel says.

‘There are others just like me bucking social norms for what makes them happy.’

‘Someone who has a formula for what looks normal and boxes that everyone should fit in, will always be uncomfortable and be sure to let you know it.’

Dr Ryan Scoats agrees that for people like Rachel, John and Katie the internet is a huge driving force in the advancement of polyamory:

‘The internet allows more people to be exposed these differing relationship styles and thus have the mystique around them stripped away,’ he says.

‘This has the potential to lead to decreased discrimination against these groups as well as people considering these relationship styles for themselves.’

Relationship coach Sarah Louise Ryan thinks that in the modern age, polyamory is becoming a much more viable option for many people:

‘I do feel that we live in a modern dating world where we are slowly but surely, and I believe unfortunately, moving away from the idea of monogamy,’ she says.

‘I think with online dating and living in a world that’s very much online has a part to play in that.’

Sarah believes that part of the rise of polyamory is because people are more open to the idea of ‘micro-dating’ multiple people.

‘If you are polyamorous, you are giving away certain slices of your energy cake to certain people you are physically and emotionally intimate with (and retain certain parts for other SOs),’ she says.

‘You are never fully giving them your all, the whole cake so to speak. How can you give each and every romantic partner your all if you have multiple?

‘Online dating now often comes with a serving of fear of rejection or of ‘dating failure’.

‘Putting eggs in numerous baskets, polyamory means having others to cushion back on when the going can get tough.’

Between 20 and 25% of men admit cheating on their wives and 10-15% of women admit cheating on their husbands. Over 40% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce.

Is it because we don’t want to admit that ‘the one’ is actually ‘the few’?

For John, Katie and Rachel, polyamory means a stable relationship, just with an extra person, and they are all equally committed to each other.

Others have many more partners and their polyamory is much more flexible and often not all the partners in a relationship are connected.

Sally, 33, from London, started exploring non-monogamy after her last long-term relationship ended last year.

After resuming casually dating, she wanted to pursue relationships with several of the people she met and has been polyamorous for 10 months.

She says that her situation works for her but admits it hasn’t always been easy.

‘I’m still with some people from that time, others I am not and for others the connection has changed and we are still friends.

‘It is only recently that I have begun to feel like I have a handle on how this all works and how to manage my relationships.

‘It takes so much energy in listening and being honest with yourself and others to make things work.

‘Now I have two major partners I love as well as three casual partners, I understand much more about polyamory.

‘There is a vast difference between seeing multiple people casually and being honest about it and that being ok, and feeling deep and full relationship feelings including love for more than one person at the same time.

‘It’s taken a while to get my head around but I’ve never been happier.’

Knowing what it takes to make a polyamorous relationship work, Sally doesn’t feel that we will see a society where monogamy is not the most common form of relationship but she does feel we are moving towards a place of more acceptance.

‘I think some people will always want monogamy,’ she says.

‘I don’t think polyamory will overtake it but more people are being honest about what they do want.

‘It’s a big leap from mono to poly and it takes a certain kind of outlook on life to be comfortable in a poly situation.

‘I hope people keep moving to a more honest view of their needs and that they have the confidence to fulfil them however is best.

‘Poly does have an advantage in that you can set up your relationship landscape exactly the way that works for you with people that fit with you so there are so many options to not be monogamous. With that freedom it seems likely that poly will be on the rise but I don’t think monogamy will disappear entirely.’

The tricky thing with the umbrella term nature of polyamory is that it can mean a number of things.

Everything from ‘open’ relationships where sexual activities are between multiple people but emotional intimacy is monogamous right through to a anarchamoric relationship commune where everyone is in some sort of relationship falls under the term.

Will every relationship end up on this spectrum and monogamy be resigned to the past?

‘I am not sure if we would ever get to a point where those who were polyamorous out-numbered those who were monogamous just as monogamy is not right for everyone, nor is consensual non-monogamy (CNM),’ sociologist Dr Ryan Scoats, of the Centre For Social Care and Health Related Research at Birmingham City University, says.

‘While some may be happy for their partner to form romantic attachments to others, some will not.

‘Some may be interested in just threesomes with their partner, whereas others might want complete openness.’

Though he believes it’s unlikely polyamory will overtake monogomy, he does think it will grow massively in popularity.

‘If the numbers are correct, a huge number of people engaging in CNM.

‘Yet in comparison to monogamy there is much less awareness of it, much less formal education about having these relationships, and a lot more stigma around it.

‘A more accepting environment would likely increase the amount of people engaging in CNM and polyamory, but it is impossible to say whether it would ever become the dominant relationship style.’

Part of that acceptance might come from building a family with children.

Technology and science is allowing us to move beyond the idea of a two-parent family.

The first three-parent babies have been born, where DNA from three people is mixed. It’s only being used to prevent inherited diseases now but technology could be developed further, even if it would be seen as very controversial

‘There would need to be a huge cultural shift in how CNM is perceived, as well as legislation laying out the legal rights and responsibilities of all involved,’ Dr Scoats say.

‘We currently don’t even have laws to protect those in CNM relationships from general discrimination.’

‘We are a long way from seeing it as a choice that everyone should have.’

So what will relationships look like in the future?

‘If/when the world is genuinely nonjudgmental about any form of consensual relationship – which I don’t expect to see in my lifetime – many people will still choose monogamy,’ Janet Hardy says.

‘Not everybody wants the amount of stimulus, effort and communication that poly requires; many people prefer the consistency and ease of monogamy.’

But with visibility and acceptance of polyamory, in the future, we could see more people more willing to incorporate it into their lives.

‘My best guess is that in such a world, many people will flow back and forth among different relationship agreements as their lives take different shapes,’ Janet says.

‘One pattern could be perhaps solo poly in their late teens and early twenties as they explore; monogamy during the years of having children and building a career, which require more attention than poly can accommodate; poly in midlife and, as they age, back to monogamy or celibacy, depending on the flux of libido and the amount of attention they have available for relationships.’

The Future Of Everything

This piece is part of Metro.co.uk’s series The Future Of Everything.

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