Well, here it is. Merry Christmas. Merry, merry Christmas.

It’s time to throw open the final door on the advent calendar of news and find out what horror lies within. 

The out of office might be on, the Cava might be out – but we regret to inform you that events stubbornly continue to unfold.

Not to worry – your old pals at Metro.co.uk have been keeping abreast of this week’s assorted dramas and miseries while you were busy sinking £8 mulled wines.

We know it’s tempting not to bother at this time of year but you really must still at least try to glance at the news.

At some point during your Christmas festivities, a conversation about all that adult stuff you know you probably should have read may well break out.

Get all sped up now in no time at all so you can get back to self-loathingly laying waste to a selection box.

Omichristmas

This was truly the week indie variant Omicron went mainstream. It had already made a name for itself in crowded venues across the country but now it really is everywhere.

New data from the Office for National Statistics revealed that a staggering 1.4 million people were infected in the week up to December 16 and it’s only gone one way since.

On Wednesday, the number of Covid-19 infections confirmed in a single day passed the 100,000 mark for the first time ever. On Thursday, it almost hit 120,000.

That’s frightening enough but it’s highly likely testing is missing many more cases.

Tony Blair – who went in two-footed on unvaccinated people by calling them ‘irresponsible idiots’ – warned he’d be ‘immensely surprised’ if the true number of infections is higher than the official tally. 

But there was good news from two studies which found Omicron looks like it leads to a significantly less severe disease, meaning the tsunami of infections may not leave behind the trail of dead once feared. 

Health experts still warn the sheer transmissibility to the variant could lead to hospitals being overrun and there is no doubt that it still should not be taken lightly. 

TL;DR: Omicron is everywhere – but is its bark worse than its bite?

Boris pulls a Christmas cracker

With Omicron spreading like cheese on a cracker (we see you) the nation was poised for Boris Johnson to do a Grinch.

He has form. Last year, after weeks assuring people Christmas would be safe from restrictions, the government brought in measures just days before families were due to meet.

Earlier in the week, there was a sense of building inevitability about the whole thing, especially after minutes emerged from a meeting of the government’s virus experts emerged warning about the fragile position the health system is in.

But on Tuesday, Boris instructed the country to put the Baileys on ice (cautiously) and prepare to P.A.R.T.Y (post-lateral flow).

Why? There are two different factors at play here. The first is that there is no firm scientific consensus about the threat posed by Omicron.

The data is still coming in, particularly on severity of disease and vaccine effectiveness, so the PM said there was ‘no justification’ for new restrictions now.

But there’s a political dimension too. Boris Johnson currently has about as much grip on his party and cabinet as you do on your cheese consumption right now (we really do see you).

After a major rebellion on vaccine passports and reports of divisions in his cabinet, it’s not clear if the prime minister would survive an attempt to roll out heavy restrictions.

The PM’s credibility was further undermined this week when a picture of him and aides drinking wine and eating cheese in the Downing Street garden during lockdown emerged.

The Christmas news was a pleasant surprise to many – but there could still be some pain to follow.

TL;DR: Crack open the Advocaat, everything is totally, totally fine. Totally.

Lockdown reloaded 

While Boris Johnson was slipping into his best elf onesie and throwing on some Slade, other UK and European leaders were striking a far more sombre tone.

Scotland’s first minister Nicola Sturgeon used her devolved powers to reintroduce a host of measures, boot spectators out of stadiums and cancel Hogmanay events. 

In Wales, Mark Drakeford did the same, confirming nightclubs would not be allowed to open for New Year’s Eve and reintroducing table service in bars, as did Northern Ireland.

Across Europe, it’s a similar story. Germany has pulled the plug on big end of year celebrations, limiting gatherings to ten, and Portugal has followed suit.

The Netherlands has gone back into a full lockdown, with hospitality, retail and schools all shuttered.

Ireland has introduced an 8pm curfew, while France and Sweden have all come down hard on nightlife at a crucial time of year for the sector. 

Whether or not the British government chooses to follow suit is immaterial for some businesses which have already seen their customers stay away to avoid catching Covid-19 in the run up to Christmas.

Chancellor Rishi Sunak announced a £1 billion support package to try and help them through what will inevitably be a tough few weeks.

In England, it’s a question of who will blink first: the virus or the prime minister. 

TL;DR: The continent EU-turns on lockdown and the UK splits.

Royal Family Christmas Special

It’s going to be a very strange Christmas indeed in the Windsor household this year.

The Queen, who is herself recovering from a period of ill health, will spend her first Christmas without Prince Philip for 70 years. 

Despite the prime minister’s ‘keep calm and drink eggnog’ approach to festive gatherings, the 95-year-old monarch cancelled the usual festivities at Sandringham. 

Instead, palace officials tell us, the Queen made a personal decision to enjoy a stripped back Christmas at Windsor, where she has been staying for several weeks. 

She’ll be joined by Prince Charles and Camilla, but not by Princess Anne – she’s isolating at home after her hubby tested positive for Covid-19.

In other royal news, the world was given the first glimpse of Lilibet, the second child of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

The world’s most public private couple revealed the family’s Christmas photograph, featuring the child who is eighth in line to the throne but has never set foot in the UK.

TL;DR: Her maj is having a chill one.

And finally…winter ‘wonderlands’

A hastily put together Christmas attraction in a provincial industrial estate leaving parents fuming is truly one of the great British Christmas traditions.

The Winter Funland in Manchester is truly a classic of the genre. Families were charged £70 to enter this supposedly magical grotto but not everyone left full of the joys of the season.

Customers complained of overpriced rides, wildly expensive food options (£49 for hot dog, chips and water for four, anyone) and a…rugged aesthetic.

One miffed mum said their children had more fun in the car, while another called it a ‘s***show’.

For the owner’s part, they acknowledged a last-minute change of venue had led to some changes but stressed that they did not and would not scrimp on ‘our resident elves causing mischief’. Quite right too.

And yet, this time next year, they’ll be back, full of hope, a twinkle in their eyes, sure that this time it will all be different.

And that, reader, is what Christmas is all about. Now get back to being a disgusting mess.

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