Thank you for waiting. Your Brexit is important to us. Please hold until a solution is available.

Theresa May has long been mocked for her robotic nature, her jerky dancing, frosty demeanour and occasional vocal malfunctions.

But since her core purpose, a Brexit deal, was sensationally rejected by MPs, she’s been downgraded from glitchy android to barely functional call centre queuing system.

And so when she came to update MPs on her progress today, they were treated to the Commons equivalent of forgettable music and preposterous platitudes.

You are being held in a queue. Please hold your nerve. We expect your issue to be dealt with within 45 days.

Yet more worrying was the revelation that the Prime Minister’s bizarre Brexit hold music is a relatively recent development.

Jeremy Corbyn stood in front of his MPs, who agree on literally nothing so except that it’d be great if we could for the love of God JUST GET ON WITH IT.

Usually when a minister makes a statement in the Commons, their opposite number is given a copy of the statement ahead of time so they can prepare a response.

But according to Corbyn, he was handed Mrs May’s statement just moments before he sat down.

He joked that perhaps hapless Transport Secretary Chris Grayling had been tasked with delivering the PM’s opus to his office. Even Speaker John Bercow could barely stifle a smirk.

In fairness to the Prime Minister’s team, it must be hard to think of new ways to say “nothing has changed” over and over again without using the words “nothing has changed.”

But perhaps the most wack-a-doodle claim made by the Prime Minister today is that she wanted to have all this sorted by Christmas.

Those with a functioning memory may wish to cast their minds back to December 11th – a full two weeks before Christmas – when she pulled a vote on her deal to avoid an embarrassing defeat.

Mrs May presumably also came up with the idea for Pokemon back in the 90s but never wrote it down.

And she has a girlfriend, but you wouldn’t know her because she goes to another school and lives in Canada.

It was said of Apple founder Steve Jobs that he operated in a ‘Reality Distortion Field.’

He had an ability to use charm, bravado and persistence to convince himself and others to swallow almost anything – and to make colleagues believe insurmountable problems were mere bumps in the road.

To those of us who live outside Theresa May’s reality distortion field, Theresa May is keeping us on hold, and nobody knows what’s going to happen when Brussels picks up the phone.

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