It is a truth in need of being universally acknowledged, that when the winner of Love Island has a greater democratic mandate than the Prime Minister there is something seriously awry.

And don't give me the "but 17.4m voted for this". Had Boris Johnson entered Downing Street on June 24, 2016, and announced he'd be pursuing a multi-billion pound No Deal that was the exact opposite of the Vote Leave manifesto, he'd have been de-bollocked and defenestrated in hours, if not seconds.

"There is no plan for a No Deal, because we're going to get a great deal," boasted the same albino warthog who has just announced that £4.2bn to purify the water, keep the x-ray machines on, and pay for the army to distribute tinned custard is not enough. To pay for his ego-trip, he's going to shake the magic money tree that he's spent the past decade saying was incapable of fruiting.

The same people who argued bitterly about the "waste" and "bias" of a £9m Government leaflet distributed to every home explaining what Brexit was about, are now planning a £100m ad campaign telling us what to hoard while we approach the unicorns they promise are waiting for us at the bottom of the White Cliffs of Dover.

An unelected Prime Minister of a minority government at 25% in the polls, doing what 17.4m people expressly voted to not do, is not democratic. Six million people voting for which pretend couple they most want to see marketing fake bake on Instagram may not be precisely what that founder of Athenian democracy Cleisthenes had in mind either, but it's a hell of a lot closer.

Fewer people get f***ed in Love Island, too.

Yesterday a friend, asked if they liked the Royal Family, replied thoughtfully: "I used to be a Royalist, but I've changed my mind. What we need… is a cull."

And the idea holds merit. The Royals seem keen on culling, especially when it applies to lions, tigers, or hen harriers, and can be described however erroneously as a conservation technique.

So. Queenie, we need her. Philip can stay. Charles is deputy, and William and Harry have their uses. Judging by who she annoys, Meghan is simply too good to let go. But the rest of them can run with the herd – go and get a job, pay their taxes, and learn to obey the Highway Code while they're at it.

Anne would be CEO of a FTSE 100 company within minutes, and leading the IMF or UN soon after. Edward would be on the dole, but Andrew knows a few billionaires of dubious character who'd be able to find him a role as masseuse-tester or something.

The Royals would be immensely more popular, and likely to survive longer. Their carbon footprint would also shrink significantly. And what works for them could also work for the rest.

Who else?

Social media influencers. They can go. I don't care where. Pluto, preferably.

Everyone who's 100% certain of anything to do with politics, love, or their own ethnicity can join them. The nation needs some genuinely constructive ambiguity, not spittle-flecked, outdated ideologies that can't survive a 5-minute acquaintance with reality.

And while we're at it, let's whittle the entire cast of Strictly Come Dancing down to Craig Revel Horwood, Anton du Beke, and Oti Mabuse. The rest are padding, and we can happily do without.

Let's add to the list everyone who calls him "Boris" like he's their mate or something, anyone who talks about WTO rules without having read them, people who think taking things on or off the table makes the tiniest difference to the fact your house is on fire, and Jeremy Corbyn on the grounds that he is neither use nor ornament.

After that – and let's be even-handed about things, taking into account the will of the people – we'll need to take out every Love Island producer, scriptwriter, plot-wrangler and general manipulator, leaving the housemates to choose their own path to damnation just like normal humans.

And the Britain's Got Talent golden buzzer needs to be taken off the judges' desk, put at the back of the stage, and be loaded up by public votes before it dings like a fairground hammer striker and flings someone brilliant straight to the live shows.

Why Ant and Dec get a say is beyond me. They already run half the world, as it is.

I'm not suggesting the use of violence, of course, but perhaps some interplanetary or deep-sea colonisation is in order. TV producers, Insta influencers and two tiny Geordies may not be the best exports the planet's got, but the dangers are simply too great for us to risk losing Ryan Reynolds or any of the Muppets.

And it frees up a LOT of oxygen, because these people seem to waste more of it than most. Why, we could probably gain the equivalent of half a rainforest if we just rid ourselves of those members of the human herd that soak up most of our time and effort. We'd certainly save on headache pills.

There'd still be plenty of idiots, of course, but a manageable amount. A new human outpost, either on the bottom of the Mariana Trench or the far side of the Kuyper Belt, could also act as a magnet to divert the attention of germophobic aliens who would otherwise start cleansing US.

You never know your luck – if they get close enough, they might even spot Donald Trump and realise they left him behind.

A cull is a drastic solution, perhaps, but it has the benefit of being a noble, optimistic and logical enterprise, at least when compared to the clear-outs supported and practiced by the Royals, racists, and anti-badger, anti-business, anti-bloody-everything-that's-not-foolish fools we've currently got in charge.

And if we don't do it, then some day, someone will say: "I used to be a humanist, but I've changed my mind."

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