In 2014, this column covered Boris Johnson's announcement that he would "probably" stand for Parliament.

Each of those 1,124 words have turned out to be surprisingly accurate, considering we've since had two general elections, a referendum and 3 years of constitutional chaos. Paragraphs 34 and 41 stand up particularly well. But that's probably because Johnson is remarkably consistent in his crapitude, rather than any perspicacity on this columnist's part.

For as some have pointed out, it predicted the blond bombast would never be PM. And here we are, watching this albino warthog in a suit wiggle his eyebrows all the way into the Queen's front room to be formally offered the most important job in the land.

Predictions 5 years hence, then, are tricky. But those for what'll happen in the next few weeks are much easier, and weeks are all that Johnson has.

Upholding democracy means closing Parliament. Controlling our borders means leaving our one land border wide open. Taking back sovereignty means selling it to a fascist Oompah Loompah. Brexit has never been, and can never be, possible, yet it is the fairytale he has sworn to make real.

He cannot get a new agreement before October 31, when the European Commission with which he must negotiate, not be in post until November 4. He cannot Brexit without an agreement if Parliament, the courts, and possibly the Queen will all tell him not to. And he cannot run a country with a majority of 1. He might be PM, but he has almost no power.

He can't get a deal, he can't no deal, and he can't govern. Yet again, Theresa May was wrong – everything has changed. In his case, for the worse.

Where Theresa had one set of rebels, he'll have two. Both Remainers and headbangers in his party will soon undermine him, the first from the start and the latter when Hallowe'en, and reality, loom up at them.

Where Theresa found it impossible to govern with a majority of 13, most of them bought with £1billion from her magic money tree, he'll have to attempt it with 1.

The absolute best he can do is to rebrand Theresa May's deal as his own. Change the font, add some italics, maybe a footnote, and present it to Parliament in September as 'the Boris Plan'.

Hardliners might swallow it, but no-one else will. The chances are the Commons will dump it for a FOURTH time.

Johnson does not want a general election. The Tories do not want one either, judging from how they cheered when he expressed his view yesterday. They all know they can't win.

Leave heartlands have turned Remain. Brexiters have defected. Remainers from all sides are about to turn to the Lib Dems for help. When Johnson and his acolytes talk about defeating Jeremy Corbyn, they might as well be talking about Ed Miliband or Neil Kinnock, for he is history now just like them.

Corbyn is the least of their worries. If they're still worried about him, it only shows how little attention they are paying to the waves lapping around their ankles.

Call a vote, and Johnson is more likely to go under than cocklepickers in concrete boots. His party is at less than 20% in the polls and in the past 1,000 days, his own constituency has turned from Leave to Remain.

When he goes to the country, Johnson will tell it that someone else is to blame. It will be the traitors, the illiberal anti-democrats, or some other convenient enemy.

So you'll have a vote for Parliament, in which Johnson will tell you Parliament is the enemy. He will make no attempt to square this circle, but it will neatly draw away voters from Nigel Farage.

The current indications are any such vote would produce another hung Parliament, with a coalition the only likely stabilising solution.

But there are two new kids on the block – the Brexit Party Limited, and the revitalised Lib Dems.

Farage has the same attitude towards democracy as most people have towards diets, in that it's a nice idea he can't be bothered with. He has already sought a deal with Johnson, who has already ruled it out. Unfortunately for both of them, the Leave vote is now in second place, nationally. Appealing to their previous voters won't win them the new ones they need.

The Lib Dems have tried and failed to build a Remain coalition, but seem to have managed it for next week's by-election in Brecon and Radnorshire. The Greens and Plaid Cymru have stood aside to give them a clear run, and as their candidate is up against the Tory expenses criminal who just pissed off the constituency enough to recall him, she has a solid chance of winning.

If it works, they'll have established a pattern which could work across Wales' 40 Parliamentary seats. Even a share of that would be enough to depose a government.

Corbyn, meanwhile, is so hidebound by his own supporters that he has little chance of breaking through. His voters and his members want him to Remain, and believe anti-Semitism to be a crippling issue. His social media stormtroopers insist on the opposite, even as he makes videos decrying them. He's being destroyed by Labour voters, Labour MPs, and even his most ardent fans.

He might be forced into a deal with the Lib Dems, or they could snatch a good chunk of his votes and leave him leading a rump of a party. Either way, he's done, without any help from the Tories.

Whether there's a Rainbow Remain Alliance, whether the Tories get into bed with Farage, lie to the voters some more, or try to end Parliamentary rule, Johnson will probably never be able to count up to the 326 MPs he needs.

If you have seen, or been one of, the people cheering Johnson's elevation then look around you. Look at the newspaper front pages, where even the positive ones call him a clown. Look at the careerists who would normally hold on to their ministerial cars, salaries and pensions for grim death, and note how many of them are jumping from a ship they are certain will sink.

You can tell a lot about someone by their friends. So look, too, at how trillion-dollar-deficit Trump, racist Australians, and professional internet trolls are the only ones rolling out a warm welcome for him.

When a Prime Minister is endorsed by a flush as busted as UKIP, the writing is really on the toilet wall.

Johnson's plan from a young age was always to be "world king", not to save the world.

But his premiership is a good thing. It is just. It is, in all but deed, very much the democratic will of the vast majority of people. He did this shit on our carpet, and now his nose must be rubbed in it.

During the past 3 years we have learned the lessons of not voting when we could have, of slogans replacing details, of the strength of our institutions, and we have seen the riots, hate and fascism which creep in when they are damaged. We know, now, what Brexit is, and the more that Boris Johnson tries to pretend it's something else, the more apparent the truth will be.

He made this mess, but he cannot fix it. He will only be able to ask you to agree that it doesn't smell so bad, after all.

And THAT'S when you get to clean house.

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