Reading about the terribly sad deaths of three children in Dublin can make even the most hardened among us feel almost overwhelmed as we try to make sense of it.
The reason why we feel compelled to read about such dark events is that our brains are problem-solving organs and we feel driven to try to understand these events so that we can try to make sure we will avoid similar happenings in our own lives.
Children are the same, and when they hear of tragic stories their brains also try to make sense of the situation.
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This is why, when a terrible tragedy happens in the public eye, parents should seek to help their children understand the event.
We want to keep our children happy and secure and so most parents prefer to avoid exploring the more horrible aspects of life with our children.
Yet it is our role to address these difficult issues.
If we choose to shield our children from reality, then there is the risk that some nasty loudmouth in the schoolyard will gleefully choose to describe the more gruesome details of the story to our innocent kids.
Children can feel like they have fallen from a cliff without a safety net if they have been led to believe by their parents that life is fair and that bad things only happen to bad people and then suddenly they are exposed to a more bitter truth about life.
It is more beneficial for children to learn how to cope with the complexity of life in all its different shades rather than being told a false, Disney-like version of reality.
Rather than allowing your child to live in a false reality and thereby leading them into inevitable deep disappointment about the reality of life, it is far better to teach kids, gently and with compassion, that sometimes terrible things happen.
Sometimes there is no reason for it and other times there are complicated reasons.
In general, it is best to share the basic information, rather than unnecessary graphic details, with your children.
A short explanation, such as ‘a very sad event happened and it turns out that three children died’, will be enough for some children, while other children will wish to know where it happened, how it happened, and who did it.
If this information is requested, the parent can explain the essentials of the story but at the same time the parent should take this opportunity to reassure their children that this will never happen to them as you and your partner are always committed to keeping the children safe.
Older children can cope with watching the news, however it is best, if a terrible tragedy has occurred, that parents keep control of the remote control and if the images or information seems unnecessarily graphic or disturbing they press pause and explain why it serves no good to watch prurient or tabloid versions of events.
If the child wishes to discuss a particular incident, parents are provided with the opportunity to increase empathy, sensitivity and understanding in their children.
A genuine conversation can help children make sense of things.
However, sadly some things don’t stand up to scrutiny and so we can be left with the knowledge that sometimes dreadful things happen for no reason. Sometimes, no matter how we study it, we will never really get to grips with why it happened.
Even with the greatest scholars of our time making it their life’s work to study World War II and the Holocaust, some 75 years after the event there is still little understanding about how ordinary people carried out such evil deeds.
Many people turn to religion as a way to make sense of tragedy, while others turn to other beliefs.
The psychologist Carl Jung provides an interesting theory that we all have a shadow side and if we are not aware of our shadow side, it will shape our every action.
History suggests that all of us have, inside ourselves, the capacity to make dreadful decisions that will cause terrible harm to others.
If we can gently explain this to our children then it will provide them with a better ability to understand this brutal and savage world.
But it will also free them to understand that, even though this world can often seem terrible and incomprehensible, that beside every horrendous act we may also bear witness to extraordinary acts of altruism and even heroism.
Humans can behave dreadfully and we can behave beautifully. The more we can help our children to understand this, the more equipped they will be to handle the extraordinary highs and lows that life has to offer.
Source: Read Full Article
Home » Analysis & Comment » Stella O'Malley: 'Terrible things do happen – and parents must help their children to understand why'
Stella O'Malley: 'Terrible things do happen – and parents must help their children to understand why'
Reading about the terribly sad deaths of three children in Dublin can make even the most hardened among us feel almost overwhelmed as we try to make sense of it.
The reason why we feel compelled to read about such dark events is that our brains are problem-solving organs and we feel driven to try to understand these events so that we can try to make sure we will avoid similar happenings in our own lives.
Children are the same, and when they hear of tragic stories their brains also try to make sense of the situation.
Please log in or register with Independent.ie for free access to this article.
Log In
New to Independent.ie? Create an account
This is why, when a terrible tragedy happens in the public eye, parents should seek to help their children understand the event.
We want to keep our children happy and secure and so most parents prefer to avoid exploring the more horrible aspects of life with our children.
Yet it is our role to address these difficult issues.
If we choose to shield our children from reality, then there is the risk that some nasty loudmouth in the schoolyard will gleefully choose to describe the more gruesome details of the story to our innocent kids.
Children can feel like they have fallen from a cliff without a safety net if they have been led to believe by their parents that life is fair and that bad things only happen to bad people and then suddenly they are exposed to a more bitter truth about life.
It is more beneficial for children to learn how to cope with the complexity of life in all its different shades rather than being told a false, Disney-like version of reality.
Rather than allowing your child to live in a false reality and thereby leading them into inevitable deep disappointment about the reality of life, it is far better to teach kids, gently and with compassion, that sometimes terrible things happen.
Sometimes there is no reason for it and other times there are complicated reasons.
In general, it is best to share the basic information, rather than unnecessary graphic details, with your children.
A short explanation, such as ‘a very sad event happened and it turns out that three children died’, will be enough for some children, while other children will wish to know where it happened, how it happened, and who did it.
If this information is requested, the parent can explain the essentials of the story but at the same time the parent should take this opportunity to reassure their children that this will never happen to them as you and your partner are always committed to keeping the children safe.
Older children can cope with watching the news, however it is best, if a terrible tragedy has occurred, that parents keep control of the remote control and if the images or information seems unnecessarily graphic or disturbing they press pause and explain why it serves no good to watch prurient or tabloid versions of events.
If the child wishes to discuss a particular incident, parents are provided with the opportunity to increase empathy, sensitivity and understanding in their children.
A genuine conversation can help children make sense of things.
However, sadly some things don’t stand up to scrutiny and so we can be left with the knowledge that sometimes dreadful things happen for no reason. Sometimes, no matter how we study it, we will never really get to grips with why it happened.
Even with the greatest scholars of our time making it their life’s work to study World War II and the Holocaust, some 75 years after the event there is still little understanding about how ordinary people carried out such evil deeds.
Many people turn to religion as a way to make sense of tragedy, while others turn to other beliefs.
The psychologist Carl Jung provides an interesting theory that we all have a shadow side and if we are not aware of our shadow side, it will shape our every action.
History suggests that all of us have, inside ourselves, the capacity to make dreadful decisions that will cause terrible harm to others.
If we can gently explain this to our children then it will provide them with a better ability to understand this brutal and savage world.
But it will also free them to understand that, even though this world can often seem terrible and incomprehensible, that beside every horrendous act we may also bear witness to extraordinary acts of altruism and even heroism.
Humans can behave dreadfully and we can behave beautifully. The more we can help our children to understand this, the more equipped they will be to handle the extraordinary highs and lows that life has to offer.
Source: Read Full Article