As our December days fuse into an endless, unbroken night, we have one small solace: holiday lights. So beautiful, aren’t they? Glowing white lights adding a cheerful twinkle to the season.

When it comes to lighting up the world, who wouldn’t appreciate a frenetically blinking “Happy Holidays” message on a rural water tower? Who doesn’t enjoy gazing upon a plastic Nativity scene featuring Mary and Joseph with poorly painted eyes?

Meanies, that’s who. In this world of December darkness, it would be super petty if everyone judged each shining display. But holiday lights, like their owners, have personalities. Which display are you?

Small white twinkly lights

You’re a traditionalist. You’re understated; there’s no need to trumpet it, but you’re imbued with the magic of the season. You love the soaring eeriness of a boys’ choir singing “Carol of the Bells.” You own several cream turtlenecks. Sometimes you go into shops and pretend you’re English. It’s fine.

Icicle lights

You know what you like. You saw these bad boys for the first time in 2002 from the back seat of a Ford Focus and knew they were everything. And if something is clever once, it’s clever every year. You live in a beige house in the deep suburbs and have a silicone Purell keychain clipped inside your purse. Your car is really clean.

Just a crooked net over a bush

You’ve finally put down the money for the townhouse, and Lisa has moved in, which other people might think is a bit early — but when you feel it, you feel it, you know? Three months is actually a long time to get to know someone. You were spending every minute together anyway! You have granite countertops and blond wood cabinets. Your fridge is startlingly empty.

Soft white globes

Great job, Aiden. Not only were these perfect at that rustic barn wedding you and Taylor had, but now they look awesome twining around the balcony of your newly renovated condo in the warehouse district. You enjoy saying, “We’re pregnant.”

A single outline of the garage door

You’re spending Christmas Day with Mom, buddy, but Dad’s going to let you stay up all night in his new place. We’ll have fun! Just a couple of bachelors.

Absolute chaos

It was 1987, and you started small. It was for the girls; they wanted lights that year. You wove a single string of brightly colored bulbs into the pine tree out front. Now it’s 2018, and Santa’s sleigh perches on the roof, overlooking lit-up bells, stars, penguins and deer. An inflatable motion-activated snowman turns his head at passers-by, staring after them with unseeing black eyes. You know everyone in the neighborhood. You have a silky dachshund and feel uncomfortable if other people aren’t drinking at parties, and you should absolutely go to the doctor if your knee has been hurting for months.

Krista Burton (@krista_r_burton) is a writer in Minneapolis.

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