Thursday, 3 Dec 2020

Opinion | Poems From the Trump Campaign

These poems were composed over the past month from the subject lines of emails from the Trump campaign, mostly sent by “Donald J. Trump” but also from Mike, Don Jr., Eric, Lara, Melania, Newt, Ted Cruz, Official Trump Campaign Store, Trump 2021 Calendar, Official Trump Polling and TRUMP TASK FORCE.

What did this liberal Democrat do to get so popular?

I filled out a couple of “push polls” (i.e.: “Who do you believe will ALWAYS put America FIRST? President Trump or A Sleazy Democrat”) and ever since the rally in Tulsa, Okla., and the spectacular prank executed by those meddling TikTok kids, I have “registered” for every Trump rally.

I tried a few times to unsubscribe, but I still seemed to be constantly bailing out my inbox of MAGA offers. So I decided to make the best of it. Each email subject line appears as a single line of poetry, with no changes in punctuation or capitalization.

ARE YOU AWAKE?

Are you awake?
It’s been a while since I last reached out
President Trump is calling
Do you still want your prize, jean?
You can be the President’s guest
Quite the honor
Don’t miss your chance
Own a piece of history
This is extremely rare
Something special for you
This offer is for you, jean.
Two prizes for YOU.
Donate & claim your TRUMP GIFT
Trump-Pence 2020 Cups
FIRST-EVER Trump-Pence Football
My #1 bestselling new book
My father’s most popular hat
Copies are limited
I signed this for you
I only signed 50 of these
Every Trump supporter should have one
You know you want one

You’re INCREDIBLE

Wow
HUGE opportunity
We don’t usually do this
As one of my BEST supporters
You’ve been recognized, jean
You’re INCREDIBLE
You’ve won the Weekly Trump Patriot
President Trump wants to meet you
TONIGHT
Official Invitation
EXCLUSIVE OFFER
This offer is for you, Jean.
President Trump picked YOU
Congratulations
Meet me at a rally?
VIP status for jean.
Are you a Trump 1000 Club Member?
The President’s Club
Join the ranks
Only the BEST are invited
What do you think?
Will you step up?
Can you help me out?
Do you have what it takes?
My father trusts you
My father is counting on you
Can we count on you?

LAST CHANCE, JEAN

THIS IS INSANE
This isn’t like you
This isn’t a joke
We don’t have much time
It’s time to hustle
TIME SENSITIVE
No time left
Not one second to waste
October is ALMOST over
The Election is nearly here
I need YOU to take action, jean.
We need to WIN BIG
There’s still time to step up
One Week Left
Seven days until victory
Only 3 Days Left
IN TWO DAYS
1 DAY
Final Day
Last Night
TOMORROW we secure 4 More Years
6 HOURS to GO
FOUR HOURS
3 HOURS LEFT
3. Hours. Left
ONE HOUR
Final hour
DEADLINE APPROACHING
DEADLINE: TONIGHT
Stand with me one final time.
We need to KEEP GOING
The Election is almost here
The Election is HERE
America is VOTING right now
Let’s finish this.
Let’s WIN
Friendly reminder
We didn’t see your name
Your name: MISSING
Last chance, jean
LAST CHANCE

Jean Hanff Korelitz is the author of the forthcoming novel “The Plot” and of “You Should Have Known,” the basis for the HBO show “The Undoing.”

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