You have to answer! There’s a possibility that it’s your dream job. There’s also a possibility that it’s a “promotion” that pays the same, but gives you more responsibilities.

You won’t want to pass this by! Having a chance to give our corporation feedback on the efficiency and service of our self-checkout lane is an invaluable experience that will definitely take at least 15 minutes of your time — but there’s a 0.0004 percent chance you’ll win a Ford Focus!

It would be a shame if you ignored this! Our 10 percent off sale on our $400 jackets ends today at midnight and your ability to purchase it ended as soon as you majored in film.

You don’t want to miss out! You can only donate to our campaign today, and also tomorrow, and also every day until you remove yourself from our email listserv.

You should call a doctor to figure out what is wrong with you if you overlook this! Get coffee with that recent college graduate from your alma mater who misspelled your name in their initial email. Sure, it’ll be really awkward when they make a joke about how you very well might be fetching them coffee someday once their Big Idea takes off. But someone took a chance on you once, didn’t they?

You will literally kick yourself if you don’t take advantage of this! Invest in this two-bedroom suburban starter home now and you can have the privilege of being buried under mortgage debt for the next 40 years.

Honestly, you are selfish and a blotch on humanity if you don’t open this door! We are holding our annual neighborhood block party, and as a member of our loving 3rd Avenue Neighborhood Community who inexplicably only appears at events that have free food or gossip, you absolutely must contribute to our community by volunteering to work the water balloon station even though last year an unbelievably tall sixth grader dumped the entire bucket on your head.

Build a rocket and shoot yourself into space if you don’t make the most of this! Sign up for our Platinum Premium Credit Card today and earn $100 cash back after spending $3,000, which we know you desperately need to buy a lawn mower for the home that the bank never should have helped finance in the first place.

If you disregard this absolutely incredible possibility, you will spend the rest of your life wondering if you are happy in any alternate universes or if you are just as miserable in every dimension! We thought the Opportunity Rover died in a dust storm on Mars but you’ve magically teleported to Mars and it’s at your door right now! You’ve got to open up! There’s no air on Mars, we’re not exactly sure how you got there in the first place, and, if you do open it, you’ll almost certainly be sucked into space to freeze to death — but you might feel left out if you don’t do it.

Patty Terhune (@pattyterhune) is a humor writer whose work appears in the forthcoming “Laughter, Outrage and Resistance: Post-Trump TV Satire in Political Discourse and Dissent.”

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