To the Editor:
Re “What ‘Good’ Fathers Get Away With,” by Darcy Lockman (Sunday Review, May 5):
For too long we’ve been asking “Can women really have it all?” when we should really be asking: “Why do we treat women so poorly and make them do twice the work, which then causes them to become overwhelmed, which then forces them to dial back their career ambitions and hurt themselves economically? And what can we do to change that?”
No one ever asks, “Can men really have it all?” Why? Because it’s already assumed that men (middle- and upper-class white men at least) deserve to have it all. The sacrifices of women are taken for granted, and it’s just assumed that the men earned it all solely through their hard work and abilities. Privilege at its finest.
Women deserve the same support and encouragement that men have been getting all along. Men have “had it all” for years because their wives have been sacrificing for them and supporting them all this time. Women deserve equal support both inside and outside the home.
Nadine Wu
New Orleans
To the Editor:
I can’t help but see red when I read that men don’t help enough with household work. Why do authors of such articles never include maintenance of home and auto, which still falls largely to the male, in household work?
My wife and I could afford only fixer-upper houses and used cars, and we could not afford to hire others to repair them. Over the past 35 years I have done all the concrete work, masonry, carpentry, plastering and drywall, tiling, roofing, plumbing, electrical work, yard maintenance and most of the painting. I have gutted and rebuilt one bathroom and two kitchens. I have replaced brakes, mufflers, spark plugs and radiators, and changed the oil. With children long out of the house, this work continues.
When will this portion of household chores figure into the fair sharing equation?
William Bracey
West Orange, N.J.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman’s discussion of the veneration of “do something” dads overlooks one crude but effective solution to the parenting imbalance in many families: joint custody. The decision to separate from my son’s father sprang in part from the inequity I felt as the primary caregiver. We are now equal co-parents, and I believe that our son is better for it. He does not associate career or parenting with either gender.
His dad is a better mom than I am in some ways — a skill set that I did not give him the opportunity to develop when we were together. And I have been forced to back off my helicopter mothering, which is harder when you’re with your kid only half the time.
Do I mourn our intact family unit and wish my son didn’t have to change houses weekly? Yes. But having watched my son’s father become, arguably, his better parent, I am glad our son is growing up with the best parents available to him.
Ellen Carr
Asheville, N.C.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman makes valid points concerning the disparity in levels of child care between mothers and fathers. Another reason for the disparity comes from their own upbringings. Men are likely to be more involved with their children than their own fathers were, and so feel justified and satisfied with providing a less equal share of the work. Women compare themselves to their mothers, who may have assumed most of the child care without question and without the demands of a professional life.
Men feel they deserve praise rather than resentment because their own fathers did less. Women feel guilty and resentful because they are not able to give either their professions or their families their best. The transition to full and accepted equality is far from over, in spite of good intentions.
Barbara Thompson
Eugene, Ore.
To the Editor:
It’s time to stop promoting the myth that fathers do very little at home. I do almost all the housework and shopping because my hours make it easier for me to do so than my wife. I also drop the kids at school and attend most of their conferences. As I am a teacher, my hours line up better for these tasks. On weekends, we split the parenting more equally because my wife has time to do so.
Good families do what is necessary for the team to function without resentment or anger. To act as if this sort of thing doesn’t happen in thousands of families is disingenuous.
William McCrary
Renton, Wash.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman exposes, yet again, the fact that working mothers in a two-parent household take ownership of most unpaid domestic labor. But what most articles on the domestic gender imbalance ignore is the impact of male neglect on the stay-at-home mom.
You may say that she chose to give up paid work, and that while her husband is earning the money, isn’t it her place to take care of everything else? But stay-at-home mothers don’t necessarily want to remain in this role forever. And try breaking these gender roles in the home after five, 10 or even 15 years of the status quo. I can vouch from experience: It’s impossible.
This dynamic has to change. I can only hope that my daughter, and my son, will have more equal partnerships when they are adults.
Tanya Guyatt
Charlotte, N.C.
To the Editor:
To proclaim that women do 65 percent of the housework and child care because men passively “resist” doing their share demeans, dismisses and demonizes dads — and ignores decades of research. Most couples mutually decide that mom will do 65 percent of the hands-on child care and dad will shoulder 65 percent of the financial child care. Even so, the more equal their incomes and time at work, the more equal the work at home.
As for victim and victor, both parents experience a loss of relationship happiness, sleep and leisure time, as well as postpartum depression and family-work stress. Moreover, most fathers lament that the demands of their work prevent them from spending more time with their children.
Maternal gatekeeping is not a groundless “theory.” It is a well-documented research finding. Regardless of education or income, mothers do not always welcome or support the father’s equal participation in child rearing. To justify mothers being in a rage over child care because the world values men’s “needs, comforts and desires more than women’s” insults children and the dads who love them and long for more time with them.
Linda Nielsen
Winston Salem, N.C.
The writer, a professor of education at Wake Forest University, is the author of “Father-Daughter Relationships: Contemporary Research and Issues.”
To the Editor:
I’m the mother of an 18-year-old who is about to head to college. My husband has been a stay-at-home parent since my son was 18 months old. Our experience has been that disagreements stem primarily from my perfectionist tendencies. Whenever it rears its ugly head, my husband gently reminds me that perfection shouldn’t be the bar. It hasn’t always been easy, but we did something right since my son is first and foremost a good person considerate of others, and will be an outstanding husband and father someday.
Kris Shellum-Allenson
East Greenwich, R.I.
To the Editor:
My wife of 42 years passed away this winter, but before that happened I was her primary caregiver. What an eye-opener that was, fixing all the meals, doing all the laundry and cleaning up everything, and at the same time measuring her blood sugar, blood pressure and oxygen, emptying a potty chair, feeding the cats and trying to work all at the same time.
So guys, maybe you should think about what if something happens to her? Prepare yourself; better yet, just get used to doing a lot more.
Kenneth McMillen
Pebble Beach, Calif.
Source: Read Full Article
Home » Analysis & Comment » Opinion | How Moms and Dads Divide the Work
Opinion | How Moms and Dads Divide the Work
To the Editor:
Re “What ‘Good’ Fathers Get Away With,” by Darcy Lockman (Sunday Review, May 5):
For too long we’ve been asking “Can women really have it all?” when we should really be asking: “Why do we treat women so poorly and make them do twice the work, which then causes them to become overwhelmed, which then forces them to dial back their career ambitions and hurt themselves economically? And what can we do to change that?”
No one ever asks, “Can men really have it all?” Why? Because it’s already assumed that men (middle- and upper-class white men at least) deserve to have it all. The sacrifices of women are taken for granted, and it’s just assumed that the men earned it all solely through their hard work and abilities. Privilege at its finest.
Women deserve the same support and encouragement that men have been getting all along. Men have “had it all” for years because their wives have been sacrificing for them and supporting them all this time. Women deserve equal support both inside and outside the home.
Nadine Wu
New Orleans
To the Editor:
I can’t help but see red when I read that men don’t help enough with household work. Why do authors of such articles never include maintenance of home and auto, which still falls largely to the male, in household work?
My wife and I could afford only fixer-upper houses and used cars, and we could not afford to hire others to repair them. Over the past 35 years I have done all the concrete work, masonry, carpentry, plastering and drywall, tiling, roofing, plumbing, electrical work, yard maintenance and most of the painting. I have gutted and rebuilt one bathroom and two kitchens. I have replaced brakes, mufflers, spark plugs and radiators, and changed the oil. With children long out of the house, this work continues.
When will this portion of household chores figure into the fair sharing equation?
William Bracey
West Orange, N.J.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman’s discussion of the veneration of “do something” dads overlooks one crude but effective solution to the parenting imbalance in many families: joint custody. The decision to separate from my son’s father sprang in part from the inequity I felt as the primary caregiver. We are now equal co-parents, and I believe that our son is better for it. He does not associate career or parenting with either gender.
His dad is a better mom than I am in some ways — a skill set that I did not give him the opportunity to develop when we were together. And I have been forced to back off my helicopter mothering, which is harder when you’re with your kid only half the time.
Do I mourn our intact family unit and wish my son didn’t have to change houses weekly? Yes. But having watched my son’s father become, arguably, his better parent, I am glad our son is growing up with the best parents available to him.
Ellen Carr
Asheville, N.C.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman makes valid points concerning the disparity in levels of child care between mothers and fathers. Another reason for the disparity comes from their own upbringings. Men are likely to be more involved with their children than their own fathers were, and so feel justified and satisfied with providing a less equal share of the work. Women compare themselves to their mothers, who may have assumed most of the child care without question and without the demands of a professional life.
Men feel they deserve praise rather than resentment because their own fathers did less. Women feel guilty and resentful because they are not able to give either their professions or their families their best. The transition to full and accepted equality is far from over, in spite of good intentions.
Barbara Thompson
Eugene, Ore.
To the Editor:
It’s time to stop promoting the myth that fathers do very little at home. I do almost all the housework and shopping because my hours make it easier for me to do so than my wife. I also drop the kids at school and attend most of their conferences. As I am a teacher, my hours line up better for these tasks. On weekends, we split the parenting more equally because my wife has time to do so.
Good families do what is necessary for the team to function without resentment or anger. To act as if this sort of thing doesn’t happen in thousands of families is disingenuous.
William McCrary
Renton, Wash.
To the Editor:
Darcy Lockman exposes, yet again, the fact that working mothers in a two-parent household take ownership of most unpaid domestic labor. But what most articles on the domestic gender imbalance ignore is the impact of male neglect on the stay-at-home mom.
You may say that she chose to give up paid work, and that while her husband is earning the money, isn’t it her place to take care of everything else? But stay-at-home mothers don’t necessarily want to remain in this role forever. And try breaking these gender roles in the home after five, 10 or even 15 years of the status quo. I can vouch from experience: It’s impossible.
This dynamic has to change. I can only hope that my daughter, and my son, will have more equal partnerships when they are adults.
Tanya Guyatt
Charlotte, N.C.
To the Editor:
To proclaim that women do 65 percent of the housework and child care because men passively “resist” doing their share demeans, dismisses and demonizes dads — and ignores decades of research. Most couples mutually decide that mom will do 65 percent of the hands-on child care and dad will shoulder 65 percent of the financial child care. Even so, the more equal their incomes and time at work, the more equal the work at home.
As for victim and victor, both parents experience a loss of relationship happiness, sleep and leisure time, as well as postpartum depression and family-work stress. Moreover, most fathers lament that the demands of their work prevent them from spending more time with their children.
Maternal gatekeeping is not a groundless “theory.” It is a well-documented research finding. Regardless of education or income, mothers do not always welcome or support the father’s equal participation in child rearing. To justify mothers being in a rage over child care because the world values men’s “needs, comforts and desires more than women’s” insults children and the dads who love them and long for more time with them.
Linda Nielsen
Winston Salem, N.C.
The writer, a professor of education at Wake Forest University, is the author of “Father-Daughter Relationships: Contemporary Research and Issues.”
To the Editor:
I’m the mother of an 18-year-old who is about to head to college. My husband has been a stay-at-home parent since my son was 18 months old. Our experience has been that disagreements stem primarily from my perfectionist tendencies. Whenever it rears its ugly head, my husband gently reminds me that perfection shouldn’t be the bar. It hasn’t always been easy, but we did something right since my son is first and foremost a good person considerate of others, and will be an outstanding husband and father someday.
Kris Shellum-Allenson
East Greenwich, R.I.
To the Editor:
My wife of 42 years passed away this winter, but before that happened I was her primary caregiver. What an eye-opener that was, fixing all the meals, doing all the laundry and cleaning up everything, and at the same time measuring her blood sugar, blood pressure and oxygen, emptying a potty chair, feeding the cats and trying to work all at the same time.
So guys, maybe you should think about what if something happens to her? Prepare yourself; better yet, just get used to doing a lot more.
Kenneth McMillen
Pebble Beach, Calif.
Source: Read Full Article