What do you think about when you think about Mother’s Day? For a lot of people, it’s “God, I must remember to get mam a card… give her a call… bring her out for lunch”, or – judging from the presents on sale in supermarkets – buy her a Kenny Rogers CD and something pink and flowery.

For many of us who are mothers, it’s the half expectation we’ll get some room-temperature, corn flakes slopped over our duvet this morning and perhaps something made of modelling clay. I think a lot of people see it as a perfunctory ‘Hallmark’ holiday that gives us a nudge to do something nice for mothers or as an excuse, as mothers, to put our feet up for the day.

But what if that’s not how you see it? What if that casual nod towards motherhood that so many of us make today is far more complicated? What then?

Mother’s Day is difficult for huge numbers of people. Many of us have lost our mothers. Some recently. Some long ago – but the death of your mum is generally not something you get over quickly or easily.

British MP Matt Warman, who lost his mum at 27, has called for an ability to opt out of targeted ads about Mother’s Day on social media, in case they exacerbate people’s grief and I fully understand that.

But there are also those of us who – even though Mother’s Day dredges up some degree of sadness – like the occasion to pause and reflect on our loss.

There are times when grief gives you a sense of connection to the person that’s died – you actually welcome the feeling for a bit.

Or, what if you desperately long to be a mother but it isn’t to be?

Infertility is a real issue for so many Irish couples today. The stress, the expense, the medical interventions are all incredibly difficult to deal with but the worst part of all is the loss – or the fear of the loss – of a future that includes much-longed-for children.

The yearning to have a child is almost visceral and can be so all-consuming that not having one is like a pain you carry in your chest every day, no matter what you are doing, where you are, who you are with.

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The celebration of motherhood today, when you have been excluded from that club, is extremely hard. And today there are many who will grit their teeth and be glad when tomorrow comes.

Miscarriage is another invisible grief that today makes tougher – particularly if you have no other children. There are women whom you know who have lost a baby and who feel like a mother to a child that’s not living, but nobody recognises them as such. How do they approach or deal with their version of motherhood today?

And perhaps one of the hardest roads of all is being a child of a mother you don’t get on with. Not every mother is a good mother. Some are unloving, hard, cruel even. And sometimes they’re actually that way to only one child in the family – the whipping boy.

How hard is it to process – in a world that tells you that no one will ever love you like your mum – that your mum doesn’t love you? That your mum doesn’t care that she’s hurt you time and time again. That no matter how many times you try to make her see what she’s doing to you or how many times you try to get her to value your love for her – it doesn’t make any difference.

What if you haven’t lost your mum through death, you’ve had to cut her out of your life as self-preservation? What if she gave you up but had other children? How do you reconcile that experience of motherhood with the saccharine, sanitised version lauded today?

And maybe, lastly, spare a thought for those mothers who are struggling to come to terms with being a mother in the first place.

We imbue the role with such weight and importance, it can be overwhelming to take up the job. All over the country today, there are some new mothers who are scared of being the mother to their children. Scared they aren’t good enough – they don’t deserve this happiness. Scared to love them. Scared they will be found out as being less than perfect. Scared they’re going to mess it up. Mess their kids up. Maybe even lose them.

Motherhood is a heady mix of fear, love, joy, pain, hope, rage and exhaustion. It’s hard to distill that into a verse in a card and, if you could, I suspect a Bengal tiger on the front would be more appropriate than pink hearts and flowers.

Motherhood is not a passive, sweet state. It is complicated, powerful, sometimes deeply riven.

So to all and any who are mothers, have mothers, have lost mothers, discarded mothers or want to be mothers, I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day. We are not all the same but we share common – sometimes frayed, sometimes broken -bonds, all of which are worth celebrating in our different ways today.

@ciarakellydoc Ciara presents ‘Lunchtime Live’ on Newstalk, weekdays 12-2pm

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