Friday, 29 Mar 2024

Kevin Maguire: Heroes and villains of pantomime 2019 General Election campaign

At times, the election felt more like a humourless farce than anything else.

But, the day after ­voting, as we’re all saying, “It’s behind you”, our pantomime dame Kevin Maguire slaps his thigh and picks the campaign’s princes and princesses…

Real-life Cinderella

Angela Rayner’s is the fairytale story of a working class single mum, who left school pregnant at 16 without qualifications, then blossomed into one of Labour’s brightest stars. The sparkling slipper fits, so Rayner’s tipped for leadership one day.

Daftest pantomime cow

Liar Boris Johnson’s dishonest “Get Brexit Done” mantra was easily pulled apart yet, annoyingly, it was the best-remembered election slogan. Get Brexit Done? Pull the udder one…

Robin Hood

Jeremy of Islington, in green tights and clutching a long bow, is a perfect outlaw when he’d take £83billion from the rich to give to the poor. Up against Johnson doing the exact opposite, Labour’s big-hearted fugitive would reopen the castle as medieval England’s first NHS hospital.


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Baron Hardup

Chancellor Sajid Javid’s cuts, reinforcing austerity on most public services, confirmed him as the poor
man of manifesto launches. A £3billion NI offer was matched by Institute for Fiscal Studies experts ruling that he was only “pretending” that taxes won’t go up. Tory Sajid Hardup would ruin the country.

Fairy godmother

Ambitious Labour glitter-spreader Laura Pidcock waved her wand to make problems vanish and promised the earth. Not everybody bought it but you had to admire the 32-year-old.

The Seven Dwarves

Brextremists Mark Francois, Jacob Rees-Mogg and their deranged mates in the European Research Group were kept down the mine, all Grumpy.


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Captain Hook

Jo Swinson went from swashbuckling Lib Dem to mauled Lib Dumb, swallowed whole by the election crocodile. Believing her own PR was a big mistake. She wanted to be PM. Then again, I wanted to play for Sunderland.

King Rat

Squealing Nigel Farage was caught in a Tory trap, chopping off his party’s tail by not fighting Tory seats. They’re laughing at the Brexit rodent.

Simple Simon

Dominic Raab is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. He was caught lying that he had never advocated NHS privatisation and also dismissed the grieving father of teen Harry Dunn, who was killed by a US motorist who then fled the country.

Aladdin and his magic lamp

John McDonnell gave it a rub to conjure up spending whenever Labour required a boost, including £58billion for WASPI women cheated of their pensions by Tories. He did it so often the Shadow Chancellor is on first-name terms with the genie.

Prince Charming

Suave Keir Starmer, Labour’s Brexit brains, was agreeable when he was let out. Presumably, that’s why the Leftier leadership mostly kept him locked up.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most Scottish of them all? Nicola Sturgeon acted the outsider despite running a country. It’ll be Brothers Grimm if she gets her independence.

Ugly Sisters

The DUP’s Arlene Foster and Nigel Dodds weren’t invited to the ball, shunned by their Tory former chums.

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